Authenticity: Why We Aren’t Being Real and How to Change

Change On the Inside

We genuinely desire to be authentic, but how do we get there? There is no formula, but there are some ways we can move toward authenticity.

Authenticity is not something we can just “decide” to have. Authenticity is a natural outflow of a change that happens on the inside. Change on the inside happens when we are willing to prioritize our inner life.

Addressing our inner life is often choosing to do the work of inner healing and inner healing often requires being willing to take a look at the past (usually with the help of a counselor or mentor). It involves remembering our childhood, acknowledging wounds, forgiving those who have hurt us, and grieving and processing our losses.

Becoming more authentic is a fruit of this healing. Here are some key ideas that can help us take steps toward  the pursuit of inner healing, in order to experience more  authenticity in our every day.

 5 Keys to Growing Toward Authenticity

1. Recognizing What Happened 

Separation

In the beginning of this season of healing, I read a book called Born to Fly by Pat Stark. In this book, I was introduced to the idea that if we experience any kind of abuse or neglect, anything traumatic, or even receive negative or wounding messages as a child, we cope by separating from our true heart, and we begin to live instead out of a mask, created to suit our environment and designed to keep our world from falling apart.

 Survival

It is about survival.  So it becomes that there are now two parts of me – my true self (my heart, who I was as a little girl) and my mask—the face I wear for the world to see.

I believe that most of us have experienced past wounding to some degree or another, because we live in a broken world.  Even with the most loving and well-meaning parents, we may still receive messages that wound us, whether intentional or otherwise.

 2. The Mask

The Mask.  The mask is different for everyone.  It might look like… people-pleasing, being too cool, being tough, self-protection, judgment, fear-based relating, co-dependent or enabling behaviors, criticism, contempt, needing the approval of others, ‘having it all together,’ needing no-one, passive aggressive behaviors, perfectionism… and of course much more.  As long as I live out of the mask, I continue to choose against my heart.

3. The Inner Child

Children Are Real

I love so many things about children.  They are free to love people and will often express it, showing affection freely, without thinking about it, or even better, they will simply declare it—without fear or agenda.

They are unassuming. They are not self-conscious.  They stop and talk to strangers, and when they do, they bring delight!  They light up faces just by being present, they can light up whole rooms when they walk through!

They don’t wonder what you think of them, they are just themselves.  They laugh easily.  They get excited about things like flowers and butterflies and airplanes and trains.  They are not ashamed to dance.  They bring life wherever they go.

Are We Really Keeping It Real?

We hear a lot of talk about “keeping it real” but I’m not sure we understand that word.  If there is anyone who knows how to be real, it’s children.  Children are REAL.

4. The Revelation That Who I was As a Little Girl Is My Heart

All these things I was as a child–this is my true heart.  And this is the part of me that I want back! Living out of my heart, I am REAL.

Getting the Revelation

It was a huge revelation to discover that I had been living my whole life (from my youth clear into adulthood) wearing a mask, separate from my true heart.

But once I began to take that revelation and look back over my life through this new lens, so many things suddenly made so much sense!  I can’t begin to tell you how much truth and clarity I gained from seeing things from this perspective.  So many things that I struggled with as an adult, so many behaviors patterns, so much pain in relationships was rooted in this.

Reinforcing False Beliefs

I was living not out of my heart, but out of a façade.  And to make it worse, I was continually reinforcing the lies and messages that instigated the separation from my heart to begin with.

Rather than seeing and advocating and fighting for my own heart, I was standing alongside the opposition– rejecting, abandoning, shaming, blaming and betraying my heart. Agreeing with them that she was less than, not enough, too much, not worth fighting for, etc.

 5.  Allowing Holy Spirit to Lead

The tragedy of it was at first overwhelming. But I knew that if I would choose to allow God, by His Spirit to lead me on this journey, facing the lies and messages—one at a time—there would come a day, when I would become whole again.

Pat called it Integration.  What a great word. I would become integrated.  I would be whole! Wholeness means I can be fully and completely myself.  It is possible to live truly out of my heart.

And it is from this place—getting rid of the mask and living truly from the heart, that we are able to live and love like that gorgeous child—freely, without agenda, not worried about what people will think, or how someone will receive me or my love for them.  I am able to just be me.

An Outflow of Authenticity

Out of this new place of freedom comes true Authenticity, an overflow of the integration and wholeness that has happened with the healing that takes place.

If you are interested in further pursuing your own heart through inner healing, you can read about my healing story in my book Return to Real here, or check it out on Amazon.