The Love of Jesus: Heals Broken Hearts, Sets Captives Free

by Chalis Butler | Jun 7, 2023 | Devotional, Heal, Inner Healing, Love Letters, LoveLetters

The Love of Jesus: Heals Broken Hearts, Sets Captives Free

LoveLetter June 2023

Hi Friends!

It has been awhile! This year has been a ‘year of fallow ground’ for me…I have not written anything since last August. And I have needed that more than I realized. God is so good, right? He brings us in and out of seasons according to His purposes and timing.

We don’t always know what He is up to, but I have felt Him doing good things in my heart, and I have at times known only that I am meant to rest in not knowing all the reasons why. That can be hard, but there is a letting go of the need to know. Also the need for approval or acceptance—from others, yes, but also from God.

Letting Him take us into a ‘hidden’ season tends to remove the external affirmation—sometimes we start to lean on these affirmations as a ‘gauge’ of how we’re doing, or at least I can. Am I ok? Well, everyone is saying I am, that’s good. Am I significant? Well I’ve been productive this week, so yeah, for sure. Am I loved? Well, look how many people ‘hearted’ my post! For sure I’m loved!

God has been revealing to me some of my deepest fears of losing His approval based on my ‘doing’ or ‘not doing.’ What have I deep down believed about His Love? Does He approve of me because I make good choices and do the right thing? Or because of my service to Him? What happens if I don’t serve anymore? Does He still love me then? (Of course!) Ok but what about His approval? Surely He stops approving when I stop serving.

Can anyone relate? I am learning that He still loves and approves of me and is pleased with me, even when I am not doing anything special at all. And that’s Truth!

This year has been interesting because of three things in particular… One, we got a labradoodle and named her Molly. That was the easy part, of course. The rest has been waaaay hard and has pushed me to my limits. We have had a ‘rehoming’ conversation multiple times, but somehow… we still have this golden girl!

Two, I homeschooled both of my kids full-time for the first time this year. That was hard too, but not so hard as the dog situation.

Three, I started a little bookstore, White Butterfly Books, which resulted in an overabundance of books in our house. I should have called it “Books Everywhere” because for awhile there, the books had taken over our house a *tiny bit* …It’s a little more under control now, but not by much!

Word of Encouragement

As I pray today, I hear these words…Rich in love and life. As a daughter of God, I am rich in the love of Jesus. It is an ocean of Love He invites us into! And I am rich in life because God has given us everything we need for life. Life in relationship with the Creator, being in communion with Him, His Spirit to my spirit, is worth a joyful belly laugh!

Life with Him is amazing! He is constantly aware of me, whether I’m paying attention or not. But particularly when I stop and turn my attention toward Him, I can come so simply into awareness of His presence and His affection for me… He is right here.

We are so loved, we live in the bounty of His favor, and with ‘open eyes’ we can see the love of Jesus all around us. Every day I can look around and see Jesus—in the beauty of my backyard garden, in the delight my children bring, in the generosity and thoughtfulness of my husband, in the sweetness of a friend’s encouragement.

These gifts are easy to find in seasons of peace and of plenty.

What About the Suffering?

However, I know that for some right now, you are looking around and seeing a desert, a wilderness; you may be seeing or experiencing pain, suffering, or brokenness. Some of you may feel abandoned by God; some may even believe that pain and suffering are evidence that there is no God or that if there is a God, He doesn’t care. Yet even in our pain or in witnessing the pain of others, in injustice, in suffering, with open eyes, we can find Him.

Suffering is a part of life because life happens here in the broken world. But that doesn’t mean God does not care about us.

I spent quite a bit of time in Psalm 84 last year, and it has become one of my favorite Scriptures. It speaks to this question of suffering. What does God say about our suffering? Psalm 84:6,7 says As they pass through the valley of Baca (a Hebrew word that means ‘weeping’), they make it a spring; the rain also covers it with pools. They go from strength to strength; each one appears before God in Zion.

How can our ‘valley of weeping’ become a spring? It seems impossible; in the natural it doesn’t make sense, but that’s God. When we experience grief, pain, or suffering, Jesus’ love comes right into the middle of our pain. He comforts, strengthens, and walks with us through our ‘valley of weeping.’

He leads us right up to the edge of the spring, where we are able to drink, and be refreshed. We can become a living testimony of the love of Jesus, His compassionate mercy, His power to heal, and His forever goodness.

Here’s more encouragement from this passage in Psalm 84

Luke tells a story about Jesus teaching in the synagogue. Jesus stands up in the synagogue to read. He reads from the book of the prophet Isaiah: ‘The Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me because the Lord has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor;

He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord.’

Then He closed the book and gave it back to the attendant and sat down. And the eyes of all who were in the synagogue were fixed on Him. And He began to say to them, ‘Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing.’ (Luke 4:18-21)

I’m guessing that was a ‘pin-drop’ moment.

Imagining that moment… wow. Wow for us!! What a gift. Today this Scripture is fulfilled in your hearing. Because of the love of Jesus, Restoration and Redemption. Because of Him, everything has been, is being, and will be restored and redeemed! All things.

This Scripture Jesus read from in Isaiah goes on to say…[He has anointed me] to comfort all who mourn…to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord that He may be glorified. (Isaiah 61:1-3)

God is not absent, and He is not unaware of our pain. Jesus declares publicly that He has come for this covenant exchange: to exchange joy for our grief, beauty for our ashes, a garment of praise for our heaviness. Thank you for this amazing love, Jesus.

And the most beautiful part of it all… that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord that He may be glorified. This is redemption. I love this.

Our Need For Him

When our hearts are broken, we see our need and we have the chance to reach for God and to encounter the love of Jesus. The mundane has a way of lulling us into thinking we are just fine; that we don’t need God, and we don’t need a Savior.

Yet face to face with the unexpected, with our own frailty, maybe with realizing we have no control, we are given the gift, like a blessing in disguise, of a chance to consider Him, to return to Him, or even to cry out to Him! Psalm 34:17,18 says The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.

God also says to Israel, and to us, in Isaiah 43:2 Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by your name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flames scorch you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

Scripture is full of this truth that God’s love through Jesus, His grace, and His compassion are overflowing toward those whose hearts are hurting today. I love the lyrics of this song…(so worth a listen!)

O How He Loves Us

He is jealous for me.

Love’s like a hurricane. I am a tree

Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.

When all of a sudden,

I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.

And I realize just how beautiful You are,

And how great Your affections are for me.

And, oh, how He loves us, oh.

Oh, how He loves us.

How He loves us, oh

Prayer

Lord, as I have prayed and sought to know Your heart, I have remembered the grief that so many of Your sons and daughters are experiencing right now.

I lift each of them up to you, I pray for comfort during this hard season; I think of David’s prayer in the Psalms when he says ‘You’ve stored my many tears in your bottle, not one will be lost. For they are all recorded in Your book of remembrance’ (Psalm 56:8).

Thank you Holy Spirit, for being our Comforter. I pray that Your hope would rise in the hearts of Your sons and daughters, like the sunrise comes after the night. Hope, rise up within! Like a sun rising up over the waves of the tempest deep… Your boundless deep calls to the depths of our longing hearts. Call us to come to You on the water, even amidst the raging storm, Lord.

Thank You for Your numberless, precious thoughts toward us, frail as grass, cracked clay pots releasing your light through every crack and crevice, I pray Your rivers of living water will flow out from within us, as You redeem every moment of our pain.

A Psalm of Comfort

O Lord, You have searched me and known me. You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

You have hedged me behind and before, and laid Your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; It is high, I cannot attain it…Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me when as yet there were none of them.

How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God! How great is the sum of them! If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand; when I awake, I am still with You. (From Psalm 139)

I have known no greater source of comfort in times of grief than the truly accessible presence of the Holy Spirit, and the words He offers us in Scripture. If you are grieving, know you are loved. The Lord remembers you today!

If you are reading this and you are in a season of peace and plenty, please join with me in praying for those who are grieving. And if Holy Spirit brings someone to your mind that could use this encouragement today, please share this letter with them using the ‘Share With a Friend’ button below.

Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5).

Love,

Chalis

The Practical Part of Being Purified With Holy Fire

by Chalis Butler | Jan 19, 2021 | Devotional, Inner Healing

Purified With Holy Fire

Purified To Be Positioned and Prepared

We, who are alive on the earth today are positioned here, in this time and place, to be a part of this significant moment in our world’s history. Last night, in a time of worship, this word was coming up…PURIFY. We are being purified with His holy fire. In this way, we are being positioned and prepared.

But what are we being positioned and prepared for?

God is Moving

God will carry out His will and His ways upon this earth—regardless of what we want to happen or what we think should happen. In fact, whether we are for or against His plan, with Him or not—He will have His way.

God will carry out Justice.

He will overcome Evil.

He will expose every lie.

The Light will shine in the Darkness.

Love will win.

Jonathan Cahn’s Book The Mystery of The Shemitah drove this home for me. Because reading this book opened my eyes to how unquestionably involved God is in world events and how final His Word is. Time cannot limit God’s vision, understanding and involvement—they are infinite in every direction— past, present, and future. Because of this, we could say He has unmitigated authority and impeccable timing.

Most importantly, there is no question that HE IS MOVING NOW, and we are invited to be a part of what He is doing on this earth, in this time.

Letting God Purify Me

So here is the question we must answer:

Am I willing to surrender on a personal level to God’s purifying fire?

Psalm 51:6

Do we truly desire, as He does for us, to know the truth in the inward parts? Psalm 51:6 says Behold, You desire truth in the inward parts, and in the hidden part You will make me to know wisdom.

Now, it is one thing to share our political opinions on social media, to pray for our nation, to give to causes we believe in, to stand up for what’s right in whatever ways seem good to us. But if there are unresolved issues within our hearts, then they will color our involvement in the current Conversation, and the atmosphere we carry through these days.

So despite our best intentions, we will not come to others purely from a place of God’s Love. This has always been true, but in these days, it becomes more apparent. In short, we are being pressed, and it is in this pressing, that whatever is really happening on the inside comes out.

But what if God wants to purify us so we can ascend His mountain? Will we willingly enter into a time of purification? Particularly, can we lay down control, self-protection, opinion, image, and pride, and invite God to reveal to us what’s on the inside of us?

Certainly we must ask ourselves, Will I choose to allow His Holy Spirit, the Spirit of Truth, to expose and address the things within me that need to be healed or gotten rid of? For example, these could be things like: unhealed wounds. Entitlement. Selfishness. Addiction. Victim or Scarcity mentality. False Shame. Lack of Boundaries. Self-hatred. Contempt. Self-righteousness. Perfectionism. Being Critical. Being easily offended. Writing people off.

Why Is This So Important Right Now?

Psalm 24

In The Passion Translation commentary for Psalm 24, the author says, ”God’s people are identified as “living gates” and “doorways.” And when God opens the doors of eternity within us, no one is able to shut them.” So here is why this word—PURIFY—is significant now more than ever before:

Psalm 24 From The Passion Translation

Yahweh claims the world as his. Everything and everyone belong to him! He’s the one who pushed back oceans to let the dry ground appear, planting firm foundations for the earth.

Who then is allowed to ascend the mountain of Yahweh? And who has the privilege of entering into God’s Holy Place? Those who are clean—whose works and ways are pure, whose hearts are true and sealed by the truth, those who never deceive, whose words are sure. They will receive Yahweh’s blessing and righteousness given by the Savior-God. They will stand before God, for they seek the pleasure of God’s face, the God of Jacob. (Pause in his presence)

So wake up, you living gateways! Lift up your heads, you doorways of eternity! Welcome the King of Glory, for He is about to come through you. You ask, ‘who is this King of Glory?’ Yahweh, armed and ready for battle, Yahweh, invincible in every way!

So wake up, you living gateways, and rejoice! Fling wide, you eternal doors! Here he comes; the King of Glory is ready to come in. You ask, ‘Who is this King of Glory?’ He is Yahweh, armed and ready for battle, the Mighty One, the invincible commander of heaven’s hosts! Yes, he is the King of Glory!

We Cannot Purify Ourselves

Isaiah 64:6

Lovers of God, Lovers of Truth—we cannot purify ourselves— only He can purify us. Because for all of our striving to be good and righteous, and to “get it right,” we will fail. In fact, He tells us in Isaiah 64:6 that all of our righteous acts are as filthy rags.

In truth, we are made pure by His work on the cross alone. Yet for us to fully accept and embrace that truth with all of our heart, not just with our mind or our lips, we have to let him deal with the false beliefs hidden in our hearts.

He purifies us so that we can learn to fully accept His Love for us, so that we can love other people whole-heartedly with God’s Pure Love.

WELCOME THE KING OF GLORY, FOR HE IS ABOUT TO COME THROUGH YOU!

To Dwell In Love: Trading In ‘Just Deserts’ for the Love Kingdom Way

by Chalis Butler | Dec 31, 2020 | Devotional, Foundations of Fatih, Inner Healing, Stories

Dwell In Love

Lessons on Love with Little House

Matthew 5:43

Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you. Matthew 5:44

If you missed the first installment of my Little House post series, you can read it here.

My daughter and I are currently reading the seventh book in Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Little House series. In Little Town on the Prairie, Laura is accused by her new school teacher, Miss Wilder, of being a trouble maker. Laura’s Pa, Charles Ingalls, and two other school board members have dropped in during class one day, after hearing rumors that Miss Wilder has had trouble keeping the class in order. Flushed and frustrated, Miss Wilder tells them that Laura Ingalls is singlehandedly responsible for the rampant misbehavior and continual chaos that has taken over her classroom. At home, Laura truthfully denies Miss Wilder’s claims, but Pa challenges her to think where Miss Wilder might have gotten this idea. As Laura retraces her steps, she suddenly realizes that an unkind comment she made to Nellie Oleson on the first day must have been twisted and used by Nellie to set Miss Wilder against her, as the two (Nellie and Miss Wilder) had been spending recess times indoors, visiting together.

Just Deserts

Any who are familiar with the series will know that Nellie Oleson probably provoked, even “deserved” whatever Laura said to her. As Laura is explaining to her parents what she said to Nellie and why, she is hot and angry:

“I meant to make her mad. When we lived on Plum Creek she was always making fun of Mary and me because we were country girls. She can find out what it feels like, herself.”

“Laura, Laura,” Ma protested in distress. “How can you be so unforgiving?” That was years ago.”

“She was impudent to you, too. And mean to Jack,” Laura said, and tears smarted in her eyes.

Reading these words yesterday, I suddenly teared up, too. This isn’t the first time it’s happened while I’m reading to my daughter, and it always seems random at first. But it’s never really random, is it—these moments that catch us by surprise? So I prayed, and then I started thinking.

We Want Justice

It is noteworthy to mention here, that reading the part of the story where Laura puts Nellie in her place gave rise to no emotion within me besides gladness. No empathy for Nellie. No check that Laura shouldn’t have said that. I just relished, unreservedly, Laura’s triumphant moment of revenge. Sweet Revenge!

Isn’t there a part of us—if you are like me, the lion’s share— that feels a sense of satisfaction when a “mean girl” like Nellie gets her just deserts? We want justice—we want things to come right. Since Nellie made fun of Mary and Laura for being “country girls,” then it feels downright satisfying to know that now the tables are turned, and Nellie is the “country girl.”

And yet Laura’s “justified” meanness did not serve her well. It may have felt satisfying in the moment, but in the end, it only produced more trouble.

The Law of Newton

I am seeing this a lot lately in my children, with the Law of Newton presiding. Every action produces an equal and opposite reaction. One will take something or do something that makes the other feel wronged, and the second retaliates. It happens quick, and it is always an attempt to make things right on their own terms. I can’t tell you how many times in the last month I’ve said (out loud or just in my head) Two wrongs don’t make a right. The first wrong never justifies the second. I’ve a feeling its something I’m supposed to be paying attention to.

Trusting Our Just God

No matter what anyone does or says, it is not my job to retaliate. I am not called to put them in their place. We are not called to explain or defend ourselves, or to prove our rightness to those looking on. We have to trust that God sees it all and is on the job.

Galatians 6:7

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap (Galatians 6:7). We can know that is true and trust It’s steadfastness. It is God’s Law that no man can bypass.

Nellie had already been demoted—whether by hard times or bad luck or Providence— it was not Laura’s job to repay her unkindness. Life already had. It was Laura’s job to forgive and love. Not only for Nellie’s sake, but for her own.

In her book Miracles Are Normal VIrginia Killingsworth writes: “Every problem, without exception, is a manifestation of a violation of the law of love. Every struggle in your life, at it’s very root, reveals an inability to love and be loved by God, an inability to love and be loved by others, or an inability to fully love and honor yourself!”

Acting Out of Our Wounds

Nellie Oleson was unkind to others because she did not feel loved, she didn’t feel worthy of love, and she did not love herself. She had received and believed the idea that a person’s value is measured by their position and wealth. In the past, her family had been wealthy. Laura and Mary didn’t have money, but they had love. They felt loved and valued by their parents. Nellie had money, but she didn’t have love. If she had felt loved and valued just for being herself, she would not have felt the need to diminish others to feel important or valuable.

Nellie said hurtful things out of her wounds. When Laura made her comment to Nellie, she did it because somewhere inside, she still felt the pain of Nellies hurtful words. She had not forgiven, and she had certainly not forgotten Nellie’s meanness. She hurt Nellie back because of her own hurt.

God’s Way is Different

In the natural, Laura’s actions are justified. We might justly feel that Nellie got what she deserved. But in God’s kingdom, which is a kingdom of Love— we don’t dish out what people deserve. We forgive, and extend underserved grace, because this is what we, ourselves, have been given.

I think I got teary reading this because through it, the Holy Spirit was reminding me of my own heart, and many hearts. Yes, so many of us have been hurt. Yes we have all experienced great loss. And yes, we could justify all the ways we have responded to it—there are many ways to try and make things right on our own terms. There have been many times we have felt misunderstood, mistreated, betrayed, unfairly judged, hurt, dismissed, falsely accused, wronged, or shamed.

But by a God Who redeems everything, we have been invited into a way far more rewarding and satisfying than evening up the score will ever be. If there are areas where we harbor unhealed wounds, then in those areas, we will interact and respond to people from a place of wounded-ness rather than love. But if we will allow God’s Spirit to show us the places where we still have wounds, and if we will let Him heal those wounds, then we make room for Love.

A Lens of Love and Kingdom

I believe that we are coming into a time when God is asking us to begin to look at things more intentionally through a lens of Love and kingdom. His kingdom is a Love kingdom. Think about how unimaginably different things must be in heaven than they are here on earth.

Mathew 6:10

But Jesus prayed, Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10).

God’s ways, His will and His kingdom are all meant to be manifested here on earth. Heaven is the unseen realm, while we live here on earth—the realm that we can see. But Jesus prayed that the unseen realm, heaven, would come and occupy and operate here in the seen realm of earth.

2 Corinthians 4:18

Paul writes that we don’t focus our attention on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but the unseen realm is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:18).

If we have dedicated all of our energy to making sure our opinions get heard, reminding people of their shortcomings, and fighting for our rights, then looking at life through this lens of His Love kingdom might be like getting new glasses. We will see other people and our circumstances in a different light, with more clarity and more understanding of what is really important and what is not.

Trading In Our Just Deserts

God’s Love kingdom means surrendering everything we think we have a right to. God’s Love kingdom means no control. No rights. No paybacks. No just deserts. No score-keeping. And maybe that feels unfair or even scary, but maybe God is asking us to trust Him and let go anyway. Let go of our right to be right. Let go of needing to be understood. Let go of what people might think. Let go of worrying over what might happen if we don’t hold things together. Let go of what the other person did. Make a decision to forgive, even when there was no apology or repentance.

To clarify—I’m talking about what goes on within our hearts. This is a conversation between me and God. How will I choose to approach this situation or this person? We still have to use wisdom, we still need to have healthy boundaries, and we still choose safe people. But we can let go of the need to defend our position or convince people of anything. We can forgive where we have been hurt, and we let God be our defender.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 TPT

Healing After Miscarriage: My Story of Grief and Hope

by Chalis Butler | Nov 24, 2020 | Inner Healing, Stories

Healing After Miscarriage: My Story of Grief and Hope

To grieve something is to honor it. —Pat Stark

I have had the painful privilege of loving and losing two babies this year through miscarriage. Miscarriage is a hard topic. My first miscarriage was in February of this year, and it happened almost all at once, around week 9. Having no grid for it, I was pretty numb at first. I didn’t know how to process it. I kept calling it “a strange loss.”

My Heart was Grieving, My Mind was Catching Up

Something that felt bizarre to me was the fact that even though I have always believed in and advocated for the sanctity of life from conception, this loss had me feeling confused and questioning whether or not the baby in my womb had been a real person. Because I didn’t feel much either way. I had never met this baby, and I wasn’t feeling sad about the miscarriage, or at least not as sad as I thought I should feel. I was, however, really teary at random times about other things. My heart was grieving, but my mind was still trying to figure it all out. How do you miss someone you’ve never met? How should I think of this baby? Do I name it? Was it a boy or a girl? I didn’t know.

Hearing the Truth

About a week and a half after the miscarriage, I sat with my mentor and listened as she shared with me about her own experience. As she spoke, the tears that had been waiting for me to stop thinking and just listen—they came, and they kept coming. I was hearing the truth about my baby: that this tiny life in my womb had been a real person— a very real, very small human being; that her life had purpose because every life has purpose. This was truth, and it brought comfort and relief to put some solid words to the emotion and the teariness I had been feeling. She is an eternal being, and she will grow up in heaven—pain-free. And someday, I will meet her.

Understanding My Loss

This conversation helped me so much. I needed to understand my loss before I could even begin to grieve it. After this, I was able to spend some time with my own thoughts and prayers and tears. Shane and I had not really discussed any names before we lost the baby, though I had some favorites tucked away. But that day as I stared out at my garden through my tears, I heard a name in my spirit. Celeste. I had never considered this name, so I felt like it was from God. I looked up it’s meaning: Heavenly. Of course.

Pregnant Again

We were pregnant again in July. I was hopeful and not really worried, because I had read about how common miscarriage can be, and how very possible it is to have healthy subsequent pregnancies following a miscarriage. I’d also known several friends who had experienced miscarriage followed by healthy pregnancies. But around week 9 I started bleeding. Everything seemed nearly identical to the first miscarriage, and so I felt sure—at first—that I would miscarry again. But hope started tapping at the door, and I reconsidered. Maybe it would end up being nothing. Maybe this time would be different.

Waiting

The midwife could not hear anything when I went for my first appointment, but they said it might be too early to hear a heart beat (my dating might be off). An ultrasound would tell us more. From the first sign that something might be wrong, to the day of my ultrasound, there were about 4 weeks of not knowing. I wrestled with God. He knew my heart, and my desire for more children; He knew of my loss and my sadness, and of course, my hope that this time might be different.

A big television screen was mounted high on the wall in front of the table I was laying on so that it was easy to see what the ultrasound technician was seeing on her screen. I saw the baby immediately as she moved the wand across my belly.

“Is that my baby?” I asked her.

I Loved This Baby

It was. Seeing this baby with my eyes, my heart welled up. Seeing his little body on the screen confirmed something for me. I loved this baby. When the technician told me that there was no heartbeat, I covered my face as quick, hot tears ran down my temples and into my hair. I had known there was a good chance this would be the case, but I had also been hanging onto hope—the smallest ray of hope—whenever I thought about the baby, which was often. Hearing it with such finality took my breath away. It hit me so much harder than I had expected.

Grief

I lay in bed later that day while my son Ezra lay next to me, asleep. Overwhelmed with grief, silent tears soaked my pillow. I cried until my eyes were all puffed up and my head throbbed. Again, we had not officially named the baby, but in my heart, I had named him. This time, it was a name I’d thought about for a long time and decided on many months ago. If we had a boy, I wanted to name him Koda. And something happened when, in asking Jesus to hold him, I mentioned him by name. The moment I said his name, a great sob climbed up from somewhere deep.

Our Little Bear

When I had first known I was pregnant, I imagined what it would mean and how it would feel to have a brand new baby in the house again. I daydreamed about what this baby would be like. Would he be a boy? I had imagined this little boy running through the house, laughing and chasing his big brother, Ezra. This little boy would be cuddled and kissed and doted on and read to by his sweet sister, Yona. This was our Koda—our “Little Bear.” Koda also means “Ally” or “Friend” and I felt these words described him— though I hadn’t met him.

I have felt overwhelming gratitude for my two beautiful children. In the weeks that followed, I found myself “soaking them in” a little more deliberately. But I have still felt an aching emptiness where my two heaven-born babies left this earth.

We Lose A Lifetime

When we lose a baby, we don’t just lose a baby. We lose a lifetime of loving someone face to face. We lose all of the joys and tears their life would have brought. We lose all of the ways life would have been richer with them in it. We lose all of the relationships that would have been born out of their love for others. Would they have married? Would they have had children? It is an inestimable loss.

Embracing Reality

My mentor told me once that to grieve something is to honor it. For me, acknowledging these babies as real, eternal beings, whose lives carry purpose, has been so important. This is what is true. It is not an imaginary story—it is the truth. It is reality. And embracing the reality of it has allowed me to embrace the emotion that comes with the reality of loss. Welcoming tears lets my heart know that I see her pain. My tears mean I would rather love someone and feel pain, than feel nothing at all.

It is out of self-protection that we build up barriers against the painful reality of loss. We don’t want to hurt or cry, so we make up a less painful story. But here’s what I know: we can’t pick and choose what is real and true without becoming less real inside—trading the Real Me for a less true version of myself as I dwell in a pieced together, half-made-up reality. Denial of what is true and real means I am disconnecting from my own heart. Denying the truth—we think—will keep us from pain. But it doesn’t work that way.

What We Do With Our Pain Makes All the Difference

Pain comes to each of us without our consent. All we get to decide is what to do with it. We can acknowledge it, grieve it, release it, and keep living. We can also choose to ignore, deny, or numb pain. But when we do, it doesn’t go away. It just stays inside, and we carry it around with us.

So for me, it has been a good thing to find words and tears because in this, I feel more myself and more at peace than ever before. Heaven has become a little more real to me. Eternity is a little bit closer to my heart and on my mind. I am more sure than ever of what I am here to do, and I know that I will see my children again someday.

Self Care: Why Is It Important and Who Wants More?

by Chalis Butler | Mar 18, 2020 | Inner Healing, Parenting

Self Care: Why Is It Important and Who Wants More?

Making the decision to have a child–it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. –Anonymous

My husband and I have been married almost six years and we have been parents for five of those years… it feels surreal to think that I am going to have a 5-year old this year.

My Yona is .. she is unique and so beautiful, and spunky and sweet and cheeky and fun and creative and smart… her list goes on, and I am so lucky to be her mama. And my sweet boy Ezra… what a gift. He is the sweetest thing, very strong, very growly-noise making, very boy, but also very affectionate, very tender-hearted. He is sensitive, and he is so, so smart. I can’t get over him most days. I just want to wrap him up like a burrito and eat him!

The Emotional Weight of Parenting

They are awesome. But I am tired. My body is tired. My heart gets tired…it feels like a lot—like too much—often. I’m sure this is true for most parents. Or all parents. My heart aches for all of the parents who feel alone in it—whether as a single parent, or just carrying the majority of the load of caring for the kids. It is a physical weight for sure, but there is an emotional weight that if left undealt with, can begin to turn us in a downward direction. We can even begin to struggle with feelings of hopelessness, depression or burnout.

Parenting is serving, giving, doing, pouring out. We lay down our lives every day, laying aside what we might rather be doing for what needs to be done. This is true for stay-at-home moms or dads, homeschooling parents, parents with kids in school, working parents, married or single parents.

We Work Hard

We all do it. We work hard all day long, and then we work hard some more in the evening with getting dinner and homework and dishes done, and then we work hard getting kids through bedtime routines, and after that, we may or may not have an hour to ourselves, and then we drop into bed. Sleep, wake, repeat.

Making Self Care A Priority

Since this goes on for years… we can’t want for the season to end before doing something about it. Maybe we don’t have the option of taking a vacation from our life, but most of us can find a way to make some time for self care. Self care looks different for everyone. It doesn’t have to be a pedicure or a massage. Making self care a priority means we are doing something that feeds our soul and brings us life.

What Brings us Life?

We love our kids—our kids bring us joy! But what brings us LIFE? What are the things that pour hope and energy and grace back into us and give us courage to press on, when we feel like we have nothing left to give?

For me in this season, some things I consider self care, things that bring me LIFE ,are time alone, writing, reading good books, and gardening. Without taking at least a few hours of time away each week to do what brings me LIFE, I reach ‘frazzled’ fast. Like I’m done. Like the grace is all gone. And once that happens, everything past that point feels like frustration. And frustration is not fair to my kids. So we know what we have to do, right?

Some Questions for Reflection

1. What kinds of things bring me LIFE?

2. What is it that I love about these things?

3. Is there anything preventing me from taking time for LIFE-giving things?

4. If so, are they external or logistical obstacles? (These might require creative solutions!)

5. Are there any internal obstacles preventing me from taking time for myself? (Some examples might be feeling guilty, or struggling to ask for help.)

How Do You Practice Self Care?

I would love to hear about what brings you LIFE!

Raising Healthy Kids to be Free: Less Micro-Management Please

by Chalis Butler | Jul 2, 2019 | Inner Healing, Stories

Raising Healthy Kids to Be Free

Raising healthy kids is not easy, particularly when their kid-ness scrapes against our control issues. Case in Point: I have been learning lately (getting schooled) about my tendency to micro-manage. My mentor suggested to me that I may find things especially hard with my kids right now because I am trying to be everything to them—more than I am meant to be. And I think she’s right. We are meant to meet the needs of our children. But trying to “keep them ok” by scurrying around trying to answer every single request, or making sure all their i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed… this is different. I don’t always do this literally, but sometimes I can feel the strong pull toward wanting to, at least internally.

Controling My Control Issue

The other day, my 3-year-old daughter was waiting on her dad to finish something in his office so she could show him her berry-filled oatmeal before taking the first bite. She was calling for him every 30 seconds, and my anxiety level was rising because he was not coming soon enough. I was standing at the kitchen sink and I had to stop myself from intervening.

I waited. I prayed. Breathe, girl… I got the revelation of the opportunity at hand: I could rescue her from having to experience any delay, teaching her nothing, or worse (entitlement), or I could help her figure out what to do when things around her are not panning out her way at the moment.

And then I found the words (Thank you, Lord) to help Yona see her options—different ways she could respond when the wait was getting too long, as opposed to (my way) trying to get Shane to hurry up and answer her. It was not his dilemma, it was hers. She was hungry, but she wanted to show him her oatmeal. What should SHE do?

They Will Deal How I Deal

This has not always been how I deal with my own disappointments, I am still learning it even now. But I can see so clearly (even through the example above) that however I deal with things will be how my kids will learn to deal with things. So it is really important to me to respond to situations and other people in a healthy way, so that I’m raising healthy kids, and so that they have a better chance at healthy relationships—healthier than the kind I had for too many years.

How Do We Get Healthy?

It’s one thing to say we want to make sure we respond in healthy ways, but at the end of the day, whatever is inside is gonna come out, and not because we gave it permission. The stuff inside has a life of its own. Our buttons get pushed and we run out of Niceness and then the real stuff shows itself. It’s just how it is.

Pursuing our emotional health is a journey. If you are wondering where to begin, good question. I am still being challenged every day and growing up a lot as I am on this parenting adventure. Its a constant set-up.

However, I went through a pretty intensive season of counseling and inner healing for about three years beginning in 2011, and it changed my life so much that I wrote a book about it called Return to Real. You can learn more about Return to Real here, or check it out on Amazon.

They Deserve Our Best

Instead of trying to prevent our kids from experiencing delay, disappointment, pain, or conflict, they will learn and be empowered to do life well if we will walk them through how to face hard things, big or small, in a healthy way, teaching them that they can make good decisions for themselves and be ok, even when people around them aren’t meeting their expectations, or things are not going their way.

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