To Dwell In Love: Trading In ‘Just Deserts’ for the Love Kingdom Way

To Dwell In Love: Trading In ‘Just Deserts’ for the Love Kingdom Way

by | Dec 31, 2020 | Devotional, Foundations of Fatih, Inner Healing, Stories

Dwell In Love

Lessons on Love with Little House

Matthew 5:43

Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you. Matthew 5:44

 If you missed the first installment of my Little House post series, you can read it here. 

 My daughter and I are currently reading the seventh book in Laura Ingalls Wilder’s Little House series. In Little Town on the Prairie, Laura is accused by her new school teacher, Miss Wilder, of being a trouble maker. Laura’s Pa, Charles Ingalls, and two other school board members have dropped in during class one day, after hearing rumors that Miss Wilder has had trouble keeping the class in order. Flushed and frustrated, Miss Wilder tells them that Laura Ingalls is singlehandedly responsible for the rampant misbehavior and continual chaos that has taken over her classroom. At home, Laura truthfully denies Miss Wilder’s claims, but Pa challenges her to think where Miss Wilder might have gotten this idea. As Laura retraces her steps, she suddenly realizes that an unkind comment she made to Nellie Oleson on the first day must have been twisted and used by Nellie to set Miss Wilder against her, as the two (Nellie and Miss Wilder) had been spending  recess times indoors, visiting together.

Just Deserts

Any who are familiar with the series will know that Nellie Oleson probably provoked, even “deserved” whatever Laura said to her. As Laura is explaining to her parents what she said to Nellie and why, she is hot and angry:

“I meant to make her mad. When we lived on Plum Creek she was always making fun of Mary and me because we were country girls. She can find out what it feels like, herself.” 

“Laura, Laura,” Ma protested in distress. “How can you be so unforgiving?” That was years ago.”

“She was impudent to you, too. And mean to Jack,” Laura said, and tears smarted in her eyes.

Reading these words yesterday, I suddenly teared up, too. This isn’t the first time it’s happened while I’m reading to my daughter, and it always seems random at first. But it’s never really random, is it—these moments that catch us by surprise? So I prayed, and then I started thinking.

We Want Justice

It is noteworthy to mention here, that reading the part of the story where Laura puts Nellie in her place gave rise to no emotion within me besides gladness. No empathy for Nellie. No check that Laura shouldn’t have said that. I just relished, unreservedly, Laura’s triumphant moment of revenge. Sweet Revenge!

 Isn’t there a part of us—if you are like me, the lion’s share— that feels a sense of satisfaction when a “mean girl” like Nellie gets her just deserts? We want justice—we want things to come right. Since Nellie made fun of Mary and Laura for being “country girls,” then it feels downright satisfying to know that now the tables are turned, and Nellie is the “country girl.”

 And yet Laura’s “justified” meanness did not serve her well. It may have felt satisfying in the moment, but in the end, it only produced more trouble.

The Law of Newton

I am seeing this a lot lately in my children, with the Law of Newton presiding. Every action produces an equal and opposite reaction. One will take something or do something that makes the other feel wronged, and the second retaliates. It happens quick, and it is always an attempt to make things right on their own terms. I can’t tell you how many times in the last month I’ve said (out loud or just in my head) Two wrongs don’t make a right. The first wrong never justifies the second. I’ve a feeling its something I’m supposed to be paying attention to.

Trusting Our Just God

No matter what anyone does or says, it is not my job to retaliate. I am not called to put them in their place. We are not called to explain or defend ourselves, or to prove our rightness to those looking on. We have to trust that God sees it all and is on the job.

Galatians 6:7

Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap (Galatians 6:7). We can know that is true and trust It’s steadfastness. It is God’s Law that no man can bypass.

 Nellie had already been demoted—whether by hard times or bad luck or Providence— it was not Laura’s job to repay her unkindness. Life already had. It was Laura’s job to forgive and love. Not only for Nellie’s sake, but for her own.

 In her book Miracles Are Normal VIrginia Killingsworth writes: “Every problem, without exception, is a manifestation of a violation of the law of love. Every struggle in your life, at it’s very root, reveals an inability to love and be loved by God, an inability to love and be loved by others, or an inability to fully love and honor yourself!”

Acting Out of Our Wounds

Nellie Oleson was unkind to others because she did not feel loved, she didn’t feel worthy of love, and she did not love herself. She had received and believed the idea that a person’s value is measured by their position and wealth. In the past, her family had been wealthy. Laura and Mary didn’t have money, but they had love. They felt loved and valued by their parents. Nellie had money, but she didn’t have love. If she had felt loved and valued just for being herself, she would not have felt the need to diminish others to feel important or valuable.

Nellie said hurtful things out of her wounds. When Laura made her comment to Nellie, she did it because somewhere inside, she still felt the pain of Nellies hurtful words. She had not forgiven, and she had certainly not forgotten Nellie’s meanness. She hurt Nellie back because of her own hurt.

God’s Way is Different

In the natural, Laura’s actions are justified. We might justly feel that Nellie got what she deserved. But in God’s kingdom, which is a kingdom of Love— we don’t dish out what people deserve. We forgive, and extend underserved grace, because this is what we, ourselves, have been given.

 I think I got teary reading this because through it, the Holy Spirit was reminding me of my own heart, and many hearts. Yes, so many of us have been hurt. Yes we have all experienced great loss. And yes, we could justify all the ways we have responded to it—there are many ways to try and make things right on our own terms. There have been many times we have felt misunderstood, mistreated, betrayed, unfairly judged, hurt, dismissed, falsely accused, wronged, or shamed.

 But by a God Who redeems everything, we have been invited into a way far more rewarding and satisfying than evening up the score will ever be. If there are areas where we harbor unhealed wounds, then in those areas, we will interact and respond to people from a place of wounded-ness rather than love. But if we will allow God’s Spirit to show us the places where we still have wounds, and if we will let Him heal those wounds, then we make room for Love.

A Lens of Love and Kingdom

I believe that we are coming into a time when God is asking us to begin to look at things more intentionally through a lens of Love and kingdom. His kingdom is a Love kingdom. Think about how unimaginably different things must be in heaven than they are here on earth.

Mathew 6:10

But Jesus prayed, Your kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven (Matthew 6:10).

 God’s ways, His will and His kingdom are all meant to be manifested here on earth. Heaven is the unseen realm, while we live here on earth—the realm that we can see. But Jesus prayed that the unseen realm, heaven, would come and occupy and operate here in the seen realm of earth.

 2 Corinthians 4:18

Paul writes that we don’t focus our attention on what is seen but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but the unseen realm is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:18).

 If we have dedicated all of our energy to making sure our opinions get heard, reminding people of their shortcomings, and fighting for our rights, then looking at life through this lens of His Love kingdom might be like getting new glasses. We will see other people and our circumstances in a different light, with more clarity and more understanding of what is really important and what is not.

Trading In Our Just Deserts

God’s Love kingdom means surrendering everything we think we have a right to. God’s Love kingdom means no control. No rights. No paybacks. No just deserts. No score-keeping. And maybe that feels unfair or even scary, but maybe God is asking us to trust Him and let go anyway. Let go of our right to be right. Let go of needing to be understood. Let go of what people might think. Let go of worrying over what might happen if we don’t hold things together. Let go of what the other person did. Make a decision to forgive, even when there was no apology or repentance.

 To clarify—I’m talking about what goes on within our hearts. This is a conversation between me and God. How will I choose to approach this situation or this person? We still have to use wisdom, we still need to have healthy boundaries, and we still choose safe people. But we can let go of the need to defend our position or convince people of anything. We can forgive where we have been hurt, and we let God be our defender.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is large and incredibly patient. Love is gentle and consistently kind to all. It refuses to be jealous when blessing comes to someone else. Love does not brag about one’s achievements nor inflate its own importance. Love does not traffic in shame and disrespect, nor selfishly seek its own honor. Love is not easily irritated or quick to take offense. Love joyfully celebrates honesty and finds no delight in what is wrong. Love is a safe place of shelter, for it never stops believing the best for others. Love never takes failure as defeat, for it never gives up. Love never stops loving. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 TPT

Cultivating a Rich Life with Laura from Little House

Cultivating a Rich Life with Laura from Little House

by | Dec 22, 2020 | Devotional, Stories

What Does it Mean To Live aRich Life? 

John 10:10

I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly. John 10:10

A Rich Life In a Simpler Time

Yona and I have been reading the Little House on the Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder for about a year, and we enjoy it so much. There is such a purity and simplicity about life in that time (late 1800’s)—it was a hard life in many ways, but it was also a rich life. It was a time when people had unflinching conviction, high moral values, a strong work ethic, neighborliness, and a deep sense of gratitude to God for His every provision.

The Ingalls family were part of a generation of men, women, and children pioneering the American Frontier and they moved a good handful of times. Each time they were settling a new homestead, they would have to build a new house and barn from the ground up, and they would break new ground for their crops. They would cut their own lumber, dig their own wells, make their own clothes, grow their own vegetables, and shoot or catch their own meat.

A Longing for Simplicity

In some ways, I am sure most of us are glad we don’t have to do all of that (unless we want to). But there is still a longing—something that calls to my heart from the pages of this story—for the simpler things in life to be enough. As we read about Laura’s childhood, we catch a glimpse of the richness, alongside the hardship, that life must have held for them.

 What might life be like today without all the things that crowd out the stillness there could otherwise be? We may not be worried about meeting a bear in the woods or having to wash our clothes by hand in the creek, but when I think of what people face today and how life feels for so many, I think there are plenty of “bears” that we are up against. 

Today we wrestle with things like… technology, addiction to smartphones, selfies, and social media. There’s to much noise, busy-ness, immense clutter; there is loneliness, isolation, emotional stress, endless financial pressure and overwhelm. People are facing divorce and broken homes. There is child abuse, sex trafficking, abortion, homelessness, and suicide. And there is a growing “norm” within our culture of contempt, disregard, disrespect, and disconnection.

A Rich Life on the Inside

We are, most of us, approaching Christmas with a great big pile of unwrapped presents in the closet, a grocery list for the smorgasbord of food we are going to prepare, a big, warm, messy, cluttered house, screaming “please clean me!” and possibly even a few patient piles of laundry, twiddling their thumbs in the laundry room. (Or is it just me?)

 But on more than one occasion, Laura and her sisters were elated to find a single Christmas penny and some candy in their stockings on Christmas morning. One spring, they were over the moon to find some butter that a visiting neighbor had brought as a gift. This was after eating nothing but dry potatoes and brown bread for months during a long winter of blizzards. On many of those long, dark, freezing, winter days, they would spend the entire day, dawn ‘til dusk, twisting hay to make “sticks” for the fire (because they had long since run out of coal) and grinding wheat, with aching arms, to make brown bread. They could not stop either task, or they would literally freeze or starve to death. And they did it for months.

But when spring came—oh the wonder and the joy of every sweet spring scent, every green blade of grass, every celestial note of the songbird! What a contrast was the warmth of the spring air that had arrived, to those departed frigid days of winter!

There is something about that Christmas penny that sets my mind ticking and my heart longing. Oh how I wish I could be excited about a penny! Heck, I wish I could be excited about a twenty-dollar bill!

The Makings of a Rich Life

But of course, money is not what our hearts need. Our hearts need other hearts. We were created to love and be loved; we need real, personal connection; we need depth in relationship. And we also need solitude, time for thought and reflection; we need to know how to enjoy our own company, and we need to know and believe that the best things in life really are free.

The One that Gives Us Life Makes Us Rich

Not only this, but we need a sense of direction, purpose and meaning. We need something and Someone bigger than ourselves to believe in—we need Jesus. Jesus came from God to dwell among us so that we could see with our eyes what Love looks like; so we could have some kind of tangible picture of the infinite offering of God’s love toward us, the height and depth and width and breadth of His love—baby Jesus.

The gift of baby Jesus is God’s love for the world. We are here today living and breathing in and breathing out because Jesus, Who created our planet and our bodies and breathed His breath into them, stepped into His creation so He could make a way for us to live and not die.

Acts 17:28

For in Him we live and move and have our being (Acts 17:28). This is where my purpose and meaning comes from. 

Everyday Ways to Cultivate a Rich Life

Now, God also gave us this planet as a place to live and work and play. What are some everyday ways to cultivate that rich life my heart is longing for—to find joy and satisfaction in simple things? I’ve been praying and trying to be still. Here are some attainable ways that I can think of:

 Take a walk by the lake, journal, read a book, get out in nature, sit in my garden, plant something new, play the piano, have a tea party with my kids, spend time with a friend, initiate a play date, write a blog, have a spontaneous beach day, paint with my kids, take a break from void-fillers like social media, sugar, coffee, sodas, etc., de-clutter, clean out a closet, go through toys, books and papers, cook something I like, savor morning cuddles with my kids and morning coffee with my husband, listen to music with my eyes closed.

 Now it’s your turn. What are some of your favorite ways to cultivate a rich life—how do you (or how would you like to) pursue simplicity in the middle of our complicated world?

Read the next installment of  my Little House series here.

Promises of God: Stones of Remembrance in the Shaking

Promises of God: Stones of Remembrance in the Shaking

by | Dec 9, 2020 | Devotional, Stories

Promises of God: Stones of Remembrance in the Shaking

2 Peter 1:4

By which have been given to us exceedingly great and precious promises (2 Peter 1:4).

John 10:27-28

My Sheep hear my voice, and I know them and they follow Me. And I give them eternal life, and tehy shall never perish; neither shall anyone shatch them out of my hand (John 10:27-28).

Promises of God on the Journey

As we answer the call to journey with Jesus, our faith is challenged, and we must choose Him again and again, clinging to the promises of God that we have been given.  In the allegorical classic, Hinds Feet On High Places, written by Hannah Hurnard, God’s promises are represented by stones. There is a place in the story that I keep coming back to lately about holding on to those promises.

A Treacherous Journey

The main character, Much-Afraid is journeying up to the High Places with two companions that the Good Shepherd has chosen for her: Sorrow and Suffering. The journey has been treacherous but she has come so far, the Good Shepherd having promised to come whenever she calls His name.

As she has climbed, the heckling bullies from the village she left behind—Fear, Bitterness, Resentment, Pride, and Self-Pity—have come after her to discourage her, telling her lies about the Good Shepherd, hoping she’ll give up and turn back.

 Now Much-Afraid and her two companions are standing on a narrow, steep path against a mountain:

Avalanches

Suddenly, higher up on the path, they heard the sound of running feet…, then out of the ghostly mist appeared first Fear, then Bitterness, followed by Resentment, Pride, and Self-Pity. They were running as though for their lives, and as they reached the three women, they shouted, “Back! Turn back at once! The avalanches are falling ahead, and the whole mountainside is shaking as though it will fall too. Run for your lives!”

Promises of God in the Shaking

The three travelers are not sure what to do, but the Voice of the Shepherd directs them to a low cave wherein they will be able to wait out the storm. As they are crouched there in the cave to wait…

A Raging Storm

…the rains descended and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat upon the mountains until everything around them seemed to be shivering and quaking and falling. Flood waters rushed down the steep cliffs and a torrent poured over the rocks which projected over the cave so that the whole entrance was closed with a waterfall, but not a single drop fell inside the cave where the three sat together on the ground.

Everything that Can be Shaken

Have we not been hearing that ‘everything that can be shaken, will be shaken?’ Fear, Bitterness, Resentment, Pride, and Self-Pity are being forced to flee because of the ‘shaking’ on that mountain. When I read this part, I think about how everything around us seems to be “shivering and quaking and falling” and the flood waters are pouring over our doorways, forcing us to stop the Going for once, and turn our attention inward.

It is a time to rest for sure, but also a time to consider things; to search our hearts and to let God search our hearts; even also, to search out God’s Heart. For many, because we are so used to the Going, the Not Going feels like we are being shaken!

Great and Precious Promises of God

After they had been there for some time and the storm, far from abating, seemed to be increasing in strength, Much-Afraid silently put her hand in her bosom and drew out the leather bag which she always carried. Emptying the little heap of stones and pebbles into her lap, she looked at them. They were the memorial stones from all the alters which she had built along the way.

Stones of Remembrance

 She looked at the little pile in her lap and asked herself dully, “Shall I throw them away? Were they not all worthless promises which he gave me on the way here?” Then with icy fingers she picked up the first stone and repeated the first words that He had spoken to her beside the pool.

Habakkuk 3:19

“I will make thy feet like hinds’ feet and set thee upon thine High Places” (Hab. 3:19). She held the stone in her hand for a long time, then said slowly, “I have not received hinds’ feet, but I am on higher places than ever I imagined possible, and if I die up here, what does it matter? I will not throw it away.”

John 13:7

She put the stone back in the bag, picked up the next and repeated, “What I do thou knowest not now; but thou shalt know hereafter” (John 13:7); and she gave a little sob and said, “Half at least of that is true, and who knows whether the other half is true or not—but I will not throw it away.”

John 11:4

Picking up the third stone, she quoted, “This is not unto death, but for the glory of God” (John 11:4). “Not unto death,” she repeated, “even though he says, ‘Offer the promise as a Burnt Offering’?” But she dropped the stone back into the bag and took the fourth.

Isaiah 28:28

“Bread corn is bruised… but no one crushes it forever” (Is. 28:28). “I cannot part with that,” she said, replaced it in the bag, and took the fifth.

Jeremiah 18:6

“Cannot I do with you as the Potter? saith the Lord” (Jer. 18:6) “Yes” said she, and put it back into the bag.

Isaiah 54:11

Taking the sixth, she repeated, “O thou afflicted, tossed with tempest, and not comforted, behold, I will lay thy stones with fair colors…” (Isa. 54:11), then could go no farther but wept bitterly. “How could I part with that?” She asked herself, and she put it in the bag with the others, and took the seventh.

John 10:27

“My sheep hear my voice, and they follow me” (John 10:27). “Shall I not throw this one away?” She asked herself. “Have I really heard his voice, or have I been deceiving myself all the time?”

 Then as she thought of his face when he gave her that promise she replaced it in the bag, saying, “I will keep it. How can I let it go?”

On like this with the remaining stones Much-Afraid continued, and when she had finished considering the last stone and the promise it held…

Job 13:15

Returning the tenth stone to the bag, after a long pause she picked up an ugly little stone lying on the floor of the cave and dropped it in beside the other ten, saying, “Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him” (Job 13:15).

 Tying up the bag again, she said, “Though everything in the world should tell me that they are worthless—yet I cannot part with them,” and put the bag once again in her bosom.

Holding on to the Promises of God

Unfulfilled Promises

I love this so much. Holding on to the promises of God may seem like foolishness to some. My 5-year-old sometimes says, “That makes no sense!” I understand why some might exclaim “That makes no sense!” at Much-Afraid’s decision to continue to hold onto all of those promises.

But to me, her decision to cling even more tightly to promises so long coming, and not yet fulfilled, is really beautiful. Maybe because I, too, wait for unfulfilled promises. Don’t we all wait and hope? For promises we’re counting on; for things lost to be restored to us; for all of the wrongs to be made right.

To Whom Shall we Go?

Much-Afraid clings to the promises of her Good Shepherd for the same reason that Peter and the rest of the disciples stayed with Jesus when so many walked away.

John 6:67-69

Then Jesus said to the twelve, ‘Do you also want to go away?” But Simon Peter answered Him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. Also, we have come to believe and know that You are the Christ, the Son of the living God” (John 6:67-69).

 Lord to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. These words ring in my spirit when I listen in, as Much-Afraid remembers and considers each promise she’s been given by the Good Shepherd. She has not reached the High Places or been given hinds’ feet; she does not understand what the Good Shepherd is doing or why the journey has been so long and so difficult; most of the stones represent promises not yet realized.

 And yet…

The Good Shepherd Holds Life Within Himself

In all her life, Much-Afraid has never experienced the love and goodness and hope that she finds in the eyes of the Good Shepherd. When she looks into His eyes, she knows that she knows that only the Good Shepherd holds all Life within Himself, and only the Good Shepherd can offer her true Life. Life without the Good Shepherd is not really life at all.

The Words of Jesus are Spirit and Life

And this is what I know that I know too, whenever I start feeling like the road is getting too long, or the journey is too hard. I look around me and I think Lord, where else would I go? You have the words of life.

John 6:63

Jesus said to His disciples in John 6:63 It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh profits nothing. The words that I speak to you are spirit and they are life.

The Words in Red

This year I have been spending more time reading and meditating on the words Jesus spoke—the words in red. And the more I read the words of Jesus, the more this truth burrows itself down into my spirit—His words are spirit and they are LIFE. The words of Jesus are like infusions of living water: they bring life and health, clarity, wisdom, understanding, revelation, and a shifting-the-atmosphere kind of hope. I need the kind of hope that shifts my atmosphere!

 The more I read the words in red, the more I am drawn up and out beyond my own small world, into the realm of the unseen. Because Jesus could see beyond. His words were, and are, spirit, so they are not bound to this earth, and they are not limited by human reasoning, time or space as we experience and understand it.

We Are Part of a Bigger Story

To be really honest, right about now, I need to know that this earth and all it has to offer, is not the whole of things, nor the end of things. It keeps me upright, knowing that there is a place, an unseen realm that is more substantial than life on planet Earth, and that we are, in fact, part of a bigger story.

I Will Not Let Go

So I will treasure and cling to my stones of remembrance. I will not forget what He has brought me through, and I will not let go of the promises of God that He has made to me. l will take for my own the declaration that Much Afraid took from Job, and make it a promise to myself and to my Good Shepherd.

Job 13:15 

Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him. Job 13:15

Keeping a Thankful Heart: Life Lessons With Christopher Columbus

Keeping a Thankful Heart: Life Lessons With Christopher Columbus

by | Dec 1, 2020 | Devotional, Stories

Keeping My Heart Thankful

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thes 5:18

Thankful in All Things?

I find it easy to keep my heart thankful when I think about my beautiful kids and my husband, our family and friends, a comfortable home to live in, food on the table, and a hot cup of coffee in the quiet, early morning. It is harder for me to be thankful for the losses and the painful disappointments and the challenges. Maybe I can say, “I still trust You, God, I know you are faithful, and I believe you are good.” But “thank you” is harder. Nothing in me feels thankful for hard things. Why does He want me to say it “in everything?” Why is this His will for me?

Discovering Christopher Columbus

We are homeschooling this year, and everything is a first for me. One fun thing about it is that I’m learning a lot of things I never learned in school. We are aiming to steer clear of text books when we can, which is easier to do in some subjects than others—History, for one. Yesterday we finished reading a book about Christopher Columbus written by Ingri & Edgar D’Aulaire.

I always thought that Columbus “discovered America” (After sailing the Ocean Blue in 1492, of course). But yesterday’s story was much more interesting and insightful than anything I remember learning in school about Columbus. Speaking of which, I love this quote I heard the other day, credited to a man named Sloyd:

 An education is what you’re left with after you’ve forgotten everything you learned in school.

 Sobering thought, right?

Here’s What Happened In A Nutshell

Columbus and the Vikings Get Credit

So Columbus was the first guy from Europe—except for the Vikings— to sail west, into the unknown, and hit land. Norsemen (Vikings) had landed where Newfoundland is today, and sailed south to present-day Massachusetts around 1000 AD, settling there for a handful of years. There are other stories of long ago explorers as well, but Columbus and the Vikings are the most verifiable and best known. So they get credit. 

He Was Never in North America

Columbus landed on the island of San Salvador on his first journey, and then sailed to Cuba and Haiti. He made three subsequent journeys, four in total, all of which he spent exploring the coastlines of Central and South America in search of a passageway that if found, he felt sure would be a short cut to China and India. He never actually set foot on the continent of North America.

Exploitation of the Discovered Lands

Reading about his journeys and his life gave me a lot to think about. He believed in God, and in the beginning, he acknowledged God’s provision and protection through the hardships he faced. He even felt that maybe God had chosen him to “sail west across the sea to find the riches of the East for himself and to carry the Christian faith to the heathens.” Yet, as we learn, at the hands of the men who sailed with Columbus and others who later settled on the islands, exploitation awaited the ‘discovered’ lands; suffering, their native inhabitants. Greed and cruelty had its way; corruption throve, and eventually, European diseases decimated the native populations.

 

What Columbus Wanted to Happen

Columbus wanted to discover that short cut to China. He wanted to bring back gold and riches to King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella, a portion of which would be his to keep. He was seeking wealth, but more than that, he wanted to be seen by the king and queen as worthy of honor and position—he was seeking the favor of man. Columbus had it all mapped out: secure a patron and a fleet, sail west, be the first to discover a passage to China, get to China and bring back the booty, become rich and famous. This was the plan.

What Happened Instead

The Waiting Time

Yet instead, many difficult years passed before Columbus would even be able to gain an audience with the king and queen of Spain. He faced scorn, shipwreck, poverty, discouragement, and great personal loss during the long years that he waited for a door to open for him to sail west. When he finally gained the patronage of the king and queen of Spain, he sailed and hit land, and returned to enjoy a little bit of glory. But it was short lived.

Too Much Disappointment

As his story continues, Columbus experiences betrayal. He is arrested by jealous men, chained, and falsely accused of treason. He falls out of favor with the king and queen. He loses his reputation, and he eventually slips into obscurity as other men sail west and begin to settle in the New World. He is given rickety, worm-eaten ships for his fourth and final journey, and has to spend a year marooned on a lonely island before being rescued. And he never does find that shortcut to China.

Perspective Cultivates a Thankful Heart

It all turned out so differently than he’d hoped. D’Aulaire writes this about Columbus’s last years:

 The rest of his days he spent at his home in Valladolid in Spain, wondering and pondering why he had not found the way to the East. He blamed the unknown continent [South America] that had barred his way. It never occurred to him to be grateful that the unknown American continent had been in his way. Otherwise he and his men would have starved to death on the endless way to Asia. For the world was three times as wide around as Columbus had believed.

 Many people say that Columbus was poor and forsaken in his old age. That is not true. He wasn’t poor, but he was bitter because he was not the richest and mightiest seaman in the world. Columbus was a great man. But he was not a modest man. He wanted too much, and so he did not get enough.

His Bigger Picture

Look what he had accomplished. He had sailed into the unknown, across the Atlantic, and had succeeded. He had paved the way to the New World. And we all know his name.

 The whole world acknowledges him as a Great Explorer and credits him for discovering the New World. As we look at his bigger picture—the one that transcends his lifetime and exceeds his own line of vision—his inheritance was bigger and better than what he had imagined or hoped for. And God allowed his smaller plan to be frustrated in order to preserve him and bless him.

There’s Always More to the Story

This really struck a chord in me because it was a picture of what is true for all of us—there is always more to the story than what we can see—about the surrounding circumstances and the bigger picture.

 It never occurred to him to be grateful that the unknown American continent had been in his way. Where we see a great big annoying obstacle, God may see and use it to preserve and bless us in ways we can’t yet imagine. Where we experience failure and disappointed dreams, He may be preparing and positioning us for something we could not have otherwise carried or stewarded.

Reason to Be Thankful

Somewhere within the thing that looks like pain, loss, or disappointment, God’s wisdom and love are present there, and He is already redeeming it. I will maybe never know why the thing has happened this way, but what if I could know without doubt that there is reason to be thankful for it? That for reasons unknown to me, God allowed it because He sees things I can’t see, and knows things I don’t know?

 God is good in every way. There is nothing He does or allows that is not motivated by His Love for me, and held firmly against the perfect plum line of His Love, Justice, Mercy, and Goodness.

The Rich Life That Comes with a Thankful Heart

If Columbus spent his last days bitter, then what a waste.

What if instead, he had spent his last years reflecting with satisfaction on the adventures he’d had and the discoveries he had made? He might have felt full of gratitude for all the ways God had protected and preserved him. Sailing was what he had loved as a boy, knowing from a very young age that he wanted to become a seaman. What a gift that he’d been granted the opportunity to sail the Atlantic Ocean.

What a full life he had led, following his passion. And He’d been blessed to have a son who grew up and sailed with him. With a heart full and full of gratitude, and in communion with God, he might have been able to forgive and release those who had hurt him. He might have found peace and contentment, and even joy in his final years.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy–meditate on these things (Phil 4:8).

Healing After Miscarriage: My Story of Grief and Hope

Healing After Miscarriage: My Story of Grief and Hope

by | Nov 24, 2020 | Inner Healing, Stories

Healing After Miscarriage: My Story of Grief and Hope

To grieve something is to honor it. —Pat Stark

I have had the painful privilege of loving and losing two babies this year through miscarriage. Miscarriage is a hard topic. My first miscarriage was in February of this year, and it happened almost all at once, around week 9. Having no grid for it, I was pretty numb at first. I didn’t know how to process it. I kept calling it “a strange loss.”

My Heart was Grieving, My Mind was Catching Up

Something that felt bizarre to me was the fact that even though I have always believed in and advocated for the sanctity of life from conception, this loss had me feeling confused and questioning whether or not the baby in my womb had been a real person. Because I didn’t feel much either way. I had never met this baby, and I wasn’t feeling sad about the miscarriage, or at least not as sad as I thought I should feel. I was, however, really teary at random times about other things. My heart was grieving, but my mind was still trying to figure it all out. How do you miss someone you’ve never met? How should I think of this baby? Do I name it? Was it a boy or a girl? I didn’t know.

Hearing the Truth

About a week and a half after the miscarriage, I sat with my mentor and listened as she shared with me about her own experience. As she spoke, the tears that had been waiting for me to stop thinking and just listen—they came, and they kept coming. I was hearing the truth about my baby: that this tiny life in my womb had been a real person— a very real, very small human being; that her life had purpose because every life has purpose. This was truth, and it brought comfort and relief to put some solid words to the emotion and the teariness I had been feeling. She is an eternal being, and she will grow up in heaven—pain-free. And someday, I will meet her.

Understanding My Loss

This conversation helped me so much. I needed to understand my loss before I could even begin to grieve it. After this, I was able to spend some time with my own thoughts and prayers and tears. Shane and I had not really discussed any names before we lost the baby, though I had some favorites tucked away. But that day as I stared out at my garden through my tears, I heard a name in my spirit. Celeste.  I had never considered this name, so I felt like it was from God. I looked up it’s meaning: Heavenly. Of course.

Pregnant Again

We were pregnant again in July. I was hopeful and not really worried, because I had read about how common miscarriage can be, and how very possible it is to have healthy subsequent pregnancies following a miscarriage. I’d also known several friends who had experienced miscarriage followed by healthy pregnancies. But around week 9 I started bleeding. Everything seemed nearly identical to the first miscarriage, and so I felt sure—at first—that I would miscarry again. But hope started tapping at the door, and I reconsidered. Maybe it would end up being nothing. Maybe this time would be different. 

Waiting

The midwife could not hear anything when I went for my first appointment, but they said it might be too early to hear a heart beat (my dating might be off). An ultrasound would tell us more. From the first sign that something might be wrong, to the day of my ultrasound, there were about 4 weeks of not knowing. I wrestled with God. He knew my heart, and my desire for more children; He knew of my loss and my sadness, and of course, my hope that this time might be different.

A big television screen was mounted high on the wall in front of the table I was laying on so that it was easy to see what the ultrasound technician was seeing on her screen. I saw the baby immediately as she moved the wand across my belly.

 “Is that my baby?” I asked her.

I Loved This Baby

It was. Seeing this baby with my eyes, my heart welled up. Seeing his little body on the screen confirmed something for me. I loved this baby.  When the technician told me that there was no heartbeat, I covered my face as quick, hot tears ran down my temples and into my hair. I had known there was a good chance this would be the case, but I had also been hanging onto hope—the smallest ray of hope—whenever I thought about the baby, which was often. Hearing it with such finality took my breath away. It hit me so much harder than I had expected.

Grief

I lay in bed later that day while my son Ezra lay next to me, asleep. Overwhelmed with grief, silent tears soaked my pillow. I cried until my eyes were all puffed up and my head throbbed. Again, we had not officially named the baby, but in my heart, I had named him. This time, it was a name I’d thought about for a long time and decided on many months ago. If we had a boy, I wanted to name him Koda. And something happened when, in asking Jesus to hold him, I mentioned him by name. The moment I said his name, a great sob climbed up from somewhere deep.

Our Little Bear

When I had first known I was pregnant, I imagined what it would mean and how it would feel to have a brand new baby in the house again. I daydreamed about what this baby would be like. Would he be a boy? I had imagined this little boy running through the house, laughing and chasing his big brother, Ezra. This little boy would be cuddled and kissed and doted on and read to by his sweet sister, Yona. This was our Koda—our “Little Bear.” Koda also means “Ally” or “Friend” and I felt these words described him— though I hadn’t met him.

 I have felt overwhelming gratitude for my two beautiful children. In the weeks that followed, I found myself “soaking them in” a little more deliberately. But I have still felt an aching emptiness where my two heaven-born babies left this earth.

We Lose A Lifetime

When we lose a baby, we don’t just lose a baby. We lose a lifetime of loving someone face to face. We lose all of the joys and tears their life would have brought. We lose all of the ways life would have been richer with them in it. We lose all of the relationships that would have been born out of their love for others. Would they have married? Would they have had children? It is an inestimable loss.

Embracing Reality

My mentor told me once that to grieve something is to honor it. For me, acknowledging these babies as real, eternal beings, whose lives carry purpose, has been so important. This is what is true. It is not an imaginary story—it is the truth. It is reality. And embracing the reality of it has allowed me to embrace the emotion that comes with the reality of loss. Welcoming tears lets my heart know that I see her pain. My tears mean I would rather love someone and feel pain, than feel nothing at all.

It is out of self-protection that we build up barriers against the painful reality of loss. We don’t want to hurt or cry, so we make up a less painful story. But here’s what I know: we can’t pick and choose what is real and true without becoming less real inside—trading the Real Me for a less true version of myself as I dwell in a pieced together, half-made-up reality. Denial of what is true and real means I am disconnecting from my own heart. Denying the truth—we think—will keep us from pain. But it doesn’t work that way.

What We Do With Our Pain Makes All the Difference

Pain comes to each of us without our consent. All we get to decide is what to do with it. We can acknowledge it, grieve it, release it, and keep living.  We can also choose to ignore, deny, or numb pain. But when we do, it doesn’t go away. It just stays inside, and we carry it around with us.

 So for me, it has been a good thing to find words and tears because in this, I feel more myself and more at peace than ever before. Heaven has become a little more real to me. Eternity is a little bit closer to my heart and on my mind. I am more sure than ever of what I am here to do, and I know that I will see my children again someday.

 

Let Your Light Shine: The World Needs the Real You!

Let Your Light Shine: The World Needs the Real You!

by | May 8, 2020 | Devotional, Stories

Let Your Light Shine: The World Needs the Real You!

Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16).

Let Your Light Shine

Who better knows how to ‘let your light shine’ than a child? I learn amazing things every day from my children.

Good Friends

Last night, some friends came over.  They have a five-year-old boy named Jordan, who is sweet and tender-hearted, and definitely all boy–kind of like my Ezra (he’s two). And they have a two-year-old girl, also sweet and strong. Our kids have had a lot of occasion to be around each other lately, and so over the last many weeks, my daughter, Yona, has taken to Jordan. She has just a few friends that she plays really well with, and this little boy has become one of her favorite playmates. 

When our friends first came over, the kids headed back to the playroom and started exploring. My girl stood close to me, looked up at me and whispered, “I want to play with someone. I want to play with Jordan.” 

“You can play with him–he’s right here. Now, I have to go into the kitchen.” I left them to their play. 

She Was Beaming

A few minutes later, Jordan and Ezra had brought some cars and trucks and a car transporter out to the living room, and were situated on the edge of our big white area rug. Yona had disappeared, and when she returned, she was wearing the prettiest thing she could find in her closet–her ballet recital outfit. She was beaming as she entered the room. She walked gingerly to the middle of the rug and turned to face the boys. She looked so sweet, and especially shimmery, because of the iridescent sequence covering her outfit. Her little shoulders shown bare. Her tiny fingertips took hold of the sheer, chiffon layer of her skirt as she waited for them to notice her, Jordan in particular. I could tell because her eyes were toward him, mostly, and she smiled patiently and hopefully.

Vulnerable

My antenna went up and I drew in my breath. I grew acutely aware of the moment. I slowly took the closest armchair I could find. It felt utterly vulnerable. To be honest, it felt way too vulnerable. Looking back, the feeling I had might have been something akin to talking someone down from a ledge.

“Wow baby, you look pretty!” I said, in my best attempt at alerting her audience to her presence.  Jordan looked up and, only slightly distracted from his play exclaimed, “Oh, wow!” and went back to his trucks. 

No Control

“Do you want to do your recital dance?” I knew she did, because she had often asked me to play the song so she could dance, just for the family at home, or at times for others who would come to the house. She smiled and nodded. I quickly searched the song and played it, announcing to the boys that Yona was going to dance for them.  I secretly prayed that they would stay and watch, but I sensed they weren’t likely to stay put much longer. This was one of those moments where you know just how little control you really have.  In my spirit I knew that what I really needed to do, was to let go.  I would just have to sit here and watch this thing play out. 

When Jordan heard the music (Jesus Loves Me), he looked up again and said, “Oh yeah! I like this one!” And as my sweet girl began to dance, my heart welled up with love and delight, and I just waited and watched her dance. She was just lovely.

Pretty near the beginning though, the boys had already turned and rolled their trucks back down the hallway and  into the bedroom. I watched her watching them as they went, all the time still dancing. I watched her smile fade, and I watched her eyes move slowly from the corner around which they had disappeared, back to mine. I kept my eyes on her and I kept smiling. I wasn’t sure what was going on in her heart, and I had no idea what to say or do. 

We Danced

“Mommy still wants to see you dance,” I assured her. She kept dancing, and near the end, at the part where she is supposed to have a partner, I stepped in “want me to dance with you?” 

She nodded. Her smile returned, and we held hands and danced together in a circle until the final pose.  

Afterwards, I certainly didn’t want to overlook her heart, or any pain she might have felt in this situation, but I also didn’t want to assume that she had felt rejection because of it. So I just gave her a great big hug and told her how beautiful her dance was, trying to gauge her emotion in those few moments. She seemed ok, so I told her to go and change so she could play outside, which she did. The kids played hard for hours before it was time to say “Goodbye.” 

Later, when we were getting ready for bed, I asked her if it had made her feel bad when the boys didn’t stay and watch her dance. She said “no.” And we left it at that. 

We Were Created for Love

This morning I have felt such a strong sense that this is a meaningful picture for me. Putting on my best dress, “putting myself out there” so to speak, is so, so vulnerable and often feels like the worst thing I could do. Because in the deep places within me, there are still traces of that message I got as a little girl: Don’t put yourself out there. You will be rejected. You will get hurt. Its safer to hide. Its better to be safe than sorry. 

But fear of man and fear of rejection are not Love. And we are created for Love. We were made to shine like stars in the universe. My little girl was brave and strong and beautiful. There was nothing wrong with what she did. She had clothed herself in beauty, in the best way her four-year-old heart could imagine. And she was radiant.

I want to be like her. I want to let myself be radiant. I want to shine like a twinkling star. 

More Learning

That reminds me of another time I learned something profound from this girl. Yona was maybe two years old. Our pastor often asked the kids if anyone had something to share before they were dismissed to go to children’s church. Sometimes a young person would come up and share a Scripture verse, or a picture they had drawn, or they might pray. Yona was sitting on my lap, and unprompted by me, she raised her hand. I was wondering what she was going to do, not sure if she even understood what she was agreeing to. When our pastor held the mic to her, she sang in a clear, confident two-year-old voice: 

Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are

Up above the world so high

Like a diamond in the sky

Twinkle twinkle little star

How I wonder what you are

It was not religious, or spiritual. It was simple truth coming to us from a two-year-old: 

Stop overthinking it, and just go for it. Let your light shine like a star. Don’t let it phase you if nobody gets it.  Just be yourself anyway; do your thing; put yourself out there. Whatever you do, don’t hide, because You Were Made to SHINE.