A Garden Story About Life and Why Cultivating Beauty Matters

A Garden Story About Life and Why Cultivating Beauty Matters

by | Nov 3, 2019 | Devotional, Stories

A Garden Story

It All Started with Tomatoes

I love a good garden story. In fact, everything about a garden reminds me of God. As I work in my garden, I am learning so much about Him and particularly about His love of beauty. Here’s my garden story. It all started with tomatoes…

In the last three years, mostly because I have wanted my kids to experience it, I have been gardening. We started with tomatoes, red peppers, and some herbs—all in pots. Lots of ups and downs. Big learning curve. I have been a giddy child at watching seeds sprout. I have been super discouraged when I’ve found weird-looking bugs all over my sunflowers, or big beautiful tomatoes from this side—split right open on the other; or tiny red and black bugs camping out all over my milkweed. I have felt the disappointment of failure more times than I can count.

Fruit Trees

For some reason smaller plants felt more manageable to me, so I have avoided trees. I’ve dreamed of fruit trees, but had not ventured out. Intimidation I think.

This year, my husband heard from a friend ( thank you Billy!) about a guy off School House Road (Lakeland Tropicals) who sells all kinds of fruit trees, and he thought of me. Three days later, on a hot Saturday afternoon, I stood looking out my window watching Shane plant an avocado tree, a cherry tree, a Moringa tree, and a Texas Sage in the little garden plot I had covered with cardboard and leaves a few months before. I had not intended to plant anything actually—too much disappointment. But this. This stirred my heart right up.

A Small Orchard

So as you do, I went out and purchased a small orchard.  Like, a lot of trees. and plants. Like I spent more money on these plants than we will spend on that really good mattress we have been wanting for two years.

The guilt and the shame came over me a couple nights ago as I lay in bed at 3AM, awake, feeling overwhelmed at just how many trees I bought, and just how little I know about fruit trees, and just how much money I spent… so I lay there, feeling this sense of dread, like a “what have I done??” feeling… and here was what I was saying/hearing: How could you do this? Why would you think its ok to buy plants when there are children starving and people homeless and loved ones grieving and tragedy striking and …

Beauty is Important to God

But the next morning, I was talking to God, and He reminded me that beauty is important to Him. And that cultivating beauty is just as important as cultivating compassion and kindness. The truth is though, they are not separate. Beauty births life. Where the tree flowers, the fruit forms. And where there is fruit, there is opportunity for kindness and compassion.

A garden is so many beautiful things. It is Life. Nutrition. Provision. Health. Beauty. Peace. Oasis. Solitude. Healing. Friendship. Truth. Discovery. Revelation. It is ‘home’ to a million creatures. It is a place for me to learn and grow.  It can be where clarity comes. It is an unapologetically needy child. It is a wise teacher. It is a constant friend.

I have learned a little bit from a lot of mistakes, so I pray and dig and plant and watch. I have a little bit of faith and apparently I only need a little bit. Letting go of the outcome. Taking a risk.  Believing beauty—all by itself—is worth pursuing. This is why I’m giving the garden another go this year.

What about you? I’d love to hear your garden story, too.

Raising Healthy Kids to be Free: Less Micro-Management Please

Raising Healthy Kids to be Free: Less Micro-Management Please

by | Jul 2, 2019 | Inner Healing, Stories

Raising Healthy Kids to Be Free

Raising healthy kids is not easy, particularly when their kid-ness scrapes against our control issues. Case in Point: I have been learning lately (getting schooled) about my tendency to micro-manage. My mentor suggested to me that I may find things especially hard with my kids right now because I am trying to be everything to them—more than I am meant to be. And I think she’s right. We are meant to meet the needs of our children. But trying to “keep them ok” by scurrying around trying to answer every single request, or making sure all their i’s are dotted and t’s are crossed… this is different. I don’t always do this literally, but sometimes I can feel the strong pull toward wanting to, at least internally.  

Controling My Control Issue

The other day, my 3-year-old daughter was waiting on her dad to finish something in his office so she could show him her berry-filled oatmeal before taking the first bite. She was calling for him every 30 seconds, and my anxiety level was rising because he was not coming soon enough. I was standing at the kitchen sink and I had to stop myself from intervening.

I waited. I prayed. Breathe, girl… I got the revelation of the opportunity at hand: I could rescue her from having to experience any delay, teaching her nothing, or worse (entitlement), or I could help her figure out what to do when things around her are not panning out her way at the moment.

And then I found the words (Thank you, Lord) to help Yona see her options—different ways she could respond when the wait was getting too long, as opposed to (my way) trying to get Shane to hurry up and answer her. It was not his dilemma, it was hers. She was hungry, but she wanted to show him her oatmeal. What should SHE do?

They Will Deal How I Deal

This has not always been how I deal with my own disappointments, I am still learning it even now. But I can see so clearly (even through the example above) that however I deal with things will be how my kids will learn to deal with things. So it is really important to me to respond to situations and other people in a healthy way, so that I’m raising healthy kids, and so that they have a better chance at healthy relationships—healthier than the kind I had for too many years.

How Do We Get Healthy?

It’s one thing to say we want to make sure we respond in healthy ways, but at the end of the day, whatever is inside is gonna come out, and not because we gave it permission. The stuff inside has a life of its own. Our buttons get pushed and we run out of Niceness and then the real stuff shows itself. It’s just how it is.

Pursuing our emotional health is a journey. If you are wondering where to begin, good question. I am still being challenged every day and growing up a lot as I am on this parenting adventure. Its a constant set-up.  

However, I went through a pretty intensive season of counseling and inner healing for about three years beginning in 2011, and it changed my life so much that I wrote a book about it called Return to Real. You can learn more about Return to Real here, or check it out on Amazon. 

They Deserve Our Best 

Instead of trying to prevent our kids from experiencing delay, disappointment, pain, or conflict, they will learn and be empowered to do life well if we will walk them through how to face hard things, big or small, in a healthy way, teaching them that they can make good decisions for themselves and be ok, even when people around them aren’t meeting their expectations, or things are not going their way.  

Raising Toddlers: A Tired Mom’s Perspective on an Ordinary Treasure Sweep

Raising Toddlers: A Tired Mom’s Perspective on an Ordinary Treasure Sweep

by | Mar 13, 2019 | Stories

Raising Toddlers: A Tired Mom’s Perspective on an Ordinary Treasures Sweep

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing,— Phyllis Diller

The ‘Lived In’ Feel

I come home to an empty house after having some “me time” and find it really exudes that “lived in” feel. You know that vibe: dirty dishes in the sink, toys all over the living room, papers, books, and crayons littering the den.

As I go through and pull everything into a laundry basket, I find treasures. I find six little rolled up pieces of orange construction paper on the arm of a chair. What are they? I know not. Without doubt, they hold meaning in the creative mind that fashioned them.

So Many Toddler Treasures

I find a chutes and ladders playing board—one half here, the other over there, the little cardboard people scattered, the box missing one edge, the spinner missing the part that spins. (I find that later.) I find a Swiffer sweeper behind my arm chair because someone was using it as a cane yesterday and that someone also loves to play Rainbow kitty (also Sparkle kitty and Ice kitty), and that kitty, often ‘injured,’ likes to hide behind the arm chair; I find a little piece of twine tied to the knob on the drawer of the side table, and I find magnets on the floor near the fridge instead of on it.

I find a variety of other treasures as I go: a car transporter truck, Curious George, a plastic strawberry ring, a little boy’s shirt, puzzle pieces, empty play dough containers, figurines, rain boots, a slide whistle, a single lego, a wooden rhythm block with no mallet, wooden cheese, a play dress, a pink hair brush, a blue ball, a walkie talkie radio, a masquerade mask, a broken mini-pad keyboard, and that is just today.

Mixture

There is mixture in this treasure sweep…I imagine that heavenly day somewhere in the future when I no longer clean up four hundred toys a day. Big sigh. But I also feel a splash of joy hit me as I spot the six little orange rolled up papers, and my thoughts begin to wander as I wonder at the gift they are to me—these beautiful, imaginative, play-hungry adventurering toddlers. I am full of gratitude and I silently pray for help to not wish away the time.

Raising Toddlers– Not for the Faint of Heart

Being a mom of toddlers is really hard and sometimes I am literally wandering around the house wondering if the day is ever going to end. But on those days, if I can just push through, the next day is usually better.  There is an ebb and flow even to finding a rhythm. Sometimes we’ve got it, sometimes we don’t.

Meaning in the Mahem

I had gathered the orange papers and laid them on a desk in our kitchen, and later that day when Yona rediscovered them, I asked her what they were. “Tiger stripes.” Of course.

Turning 40 and Why It’s a Wonderful Life

Turning 40 and Why It’s a Wonderful Life

by | Jun 30, 2016 | Inner Healing, Stories

Turning 40 and Why Its’s a Wonderful Life

How Do I Feel About Turning 40?

Just wanted to share some thoughts that came out the other day when after doing life a-mile-a-minute I stopped to rest and then realized–Hey I turned 40 this week.  How do I feel about turning 40?  A cathartic exercise. I can use this question (How do I feel about ______?) for anything in life, and it will usually give me 1) revelation about myself, and 2) some much needed emotional relief (that I sometimes don’t realize I even need until I get it).

Just to stop and ask my heart how she feels… Ahhhh.  This is really so important. If I don’t ask her, and no one else asks her, then who will she tell? When I don’t take time to stop and do this, I can start to get all kinds of negative stuff going on inside of me.  I can get needy, critical, irritable, depressed, sugar-craving, etc… So lets just do it people! Give your heart some time.  Your life will thank you for it.

I am 40.  I am 40 years old! How do I feel about it?

Think Back to 30 

Well… when I think back to turning 30, I have fond memories of that birthday.  I was living in Australia, and I had my 30-something friends over and we sat around and had adult conversation.  I loved it.  I got flowers and I think there was a cake.  I just remember deciding that night that I liked the grown-up party better than the college parties.

And in the same season (maybe the next year or two) I had a wine and cheese party that I enjoyed even more. An afternoon celebration, conversing and nibbling on antipasto, drinking wine, and enjoying the company of beautiful friends.  I miss those friends.

A New Season

This year I have a 10-month old and a hard-working husband and friends who have jobs and other obligations.  I also have a lot of healing on my side, so although I wanted to feel sorry for myself that I did not have anyone to go to lunch with on the day of my 40th, I knew that: first, I had not planned that with anyone (my fault) and second, that I still had the power to make it a great birthday.  Not just the power– the responsibility.  To my own heart.

Baby and Me Went Shopping

So I packed up the baby gear (and the baby) and we went shopping! We looked at really pretty clothes (something I haven’t really done since getting pregnant almost 2 years ago since my body now is so foreign to me waaa!).

I bought a shirt that I loved.  I mean, I didn’t love it as much as some of the other things I tried on, but it fit, and I felt pretty in it, and thats what I loved.  It was soft and flowy and unique.  And I enjoyed wearing it. Then my hubby came home to pick us up for dinner, which was yummy (and so was the margarita), and then we came home and he set my gift out on the table, all bulky and bumpy in funny wrapping paper.

And to my non-surprise (and great delight), it was a new camera!!! I mean a real camera.  A big girl camera.  An I-need-to-read-the-manuel-before-i-can-actually-take-any-pictures camera.  Oh my heavenly daisies!

Expectation and Disappointment

Even though all of this happened and it was really a pretty wonderful birthday, there had been an expectation that someone else should make it special for me.  So there was disappointment.  And I think its ok to desire to be seen and known and celebrated on my birthday.  But I think it was kind of an important test for me too–as though I were being asked, what will you do when no one else makes a fuss over you?  And I passed.

I Can Lead a Beautiful Life

The truth is, it was my day, and I picked my chin up and took hold of it.  This is what we really need to learn to do with every day.  We have the power to lead brilliantly beautiful lives.  We just need to stop depending on other people and perfect circumstances to make it happen to us.   I am meant to lead a beautiful life.  I am meant to lead a purposeful, rich life. I lead my life.  We were never meant to be spectators, passively watching as life unfolds and happens to us. We are meant to LIVE.  LIVE is a verb.  See?  We are meant to LIVE!!!

Loving Me At 40

So turning 40. I like it better than 30.  I mean, I am still learning to accept certain things–like how my body doesn’t look at all the same now as it did for 38 years (pre-baby).  I miss my thin-ness.  I miss every dang thing looking awesome on me.  I miss wearing my favorite jeans and fitted shirts.

But there are several advantages to flowy.  Flowy is comfy.  Flowy can make a girl feel feminine and lovely.  I have never been brave enough to wear flowy until now.  So there is that.

Beautiful and Worth It

I like 40 better than 30 because I know more who I am than I ever have before.  I love 40 because some of my deepest desires have been met in marrying my  sweet husband and having my baby girl.  I am challenged by it, don’t get me wrong. It is harder than single and free in many ways.  But it is also beautiful and worth it.

There is probably much more to say about turning 40 but I am out of time.  I have responsibilities people! The moral of the story is, there is something good in everything –even turning 40. And also, you can be a really good friend to your own heart–life is better this way!

 

Luke 1: Reflections On the Redeeming of All Things

Luke 1: Reflections On the Redeeming of All Things

by | Dec 24, 2013 | Devotional, Inner Healing, Stories

Luke 1: Reflections On the Redeeming of All Things

My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit has rejoiced in God my Savior…For He who is mighty has done great things for me…He has scattered the proud…He has filled the hungry with good things… 

…Blessed is the Lord God of Israel, for He has visited and redeemed His people (from Luke 1).

Waking Up to Redemption

It’s Christmas Eve.   I wake to the familiar whirr of my box fan and the dim morning that peaks in past the tops of my tall, plum drapes.  I sleep in a Murphy bed, which means I wake up in my living room every morning to my favorite thing about my apartment: the ceiling.

I spent seven months renovating, living in a construction zone and changing my mind about paint colors almost daily, finally settling on  colors named after foods like shortbread, olive, lemongrass and cafe ole.  And for all the work that was done (and I had help) I still can’t get over how much I love my ceiling.

For me, this is the piece de resistance… a pearl white ceiling with a grid of thick beams painted the color of Espresso Beans. There’s a brand new fan and lighting fixture in the middle of the grid, but it doesn’t work because there is something wrong with the electrical wiring.  None of my overhead lights work.  But I don’t notice it anymore because I use lots of lamps.

Look What the Lord Has Done for Me

Waking up most mornings I feel a deep sense of gratitude for a few reasons.  One, because I get to enjoy waking up slowly, almost every morning.  And two, because look what the Lord has done for me.  The colors on my walls and my beautiful ceiling remind me of where I was three years ago.

It was by far the hardest season of my life, as I was freshly separated and beginning the divorce process.  I felt like I had failed at everything there was to fail at in life.  Scraping—it felt like forever—layers and layers, years of old paint and funk and crud  and other people’s junk off tables, benches, and walls. (Can you tell I don’t like to do things half way?)

It was symbolic, the scraping.  Hours, days, weeks and months of scraping provides plenty of time for reflection. It felt like layers and layers of my life were being scraped at and peeled away and exposed.  It was the worst and best thing that ever happened to me.

Mary’s Magnificat and the Prophecy of Zacharias

Luke 1:46-79

For the last six months I’ve been finding much comfort and clarity in the first chapter of Luke, specifically Mary’s Magnificat (Luke 1:46-55) and the prophetic declaration of Zacharias following the birth of his son John (Luke 1:68-79).   This morning, Christmas Eve, I woke up and decided to read them again.  I love these passages because I am coming to terms so much personally with this:

God redeems everything.

Wonderful News

How good the news of Jesus’ birth really is.  It is big news—wonderful news because it means that however things may look, however ugly or hopeless or upside down things may be in my life, in the media, or across the world, there is a reality that we can’t quite wrap our minds around that DOES trump all of that.

Do you get this? Of all that we see and cringe at and grieve for and worry about and get depressed over, there is not anything about any of it that He does not promise to make right. And we are not only guaranteed to witness this, but are given the privilege of being asked to partner with Him and participate in bringing it to pass—all things will be made right.

There will be peace on earth.

Luke 1:52-53

He has put down the mighty from their thrones, and exalted the lowly.  He has filled the hungry with good things, and the rich he has sent away empty (Luke 1:52-53). 

The angel told Zacharias that his son, the one who would ‘make ready a people prepared for the Lord’ would be called John which means, Jehovah has been gracious. And Mary was told by the angel to call her firstborn Jesus, which was to call Him Savior, Deliverer.

Redemption in Healing

This “redeeming of all things” has become so close to my heart as I have been healing.  It has been my Awakening.  Until I could see my own inner reality, I did not have eyes to see how truly desperate I am (and the whole world is) for Him. But I believe He desires to wake us up—all of His sons and daughters.  He wants to teach us how to see and hear with our ‘spirit eyes’ and ‘spirit ears’ this reality.

Matthew 13:15

But… their ears are hard of hearing and their eyes they have closed (Matthew 13:15). 

The invitation is that we would come to Him—and ask Lord, Give me eyes to see, give me ears to hear! Whatever that takes.  And the first thing he showed me, when I came to Him with this desire, was the condition of my own heart.

Luke 6:41

Once I started to read Luke this morning, I could not stop until I came to Luke 6:41, And why do you look at the speck in your brother’s eye, but do not perceive the plank in your own eye? 

We All Have Planks

Confession time.  I won’t go into detail, but lets just say… there was a time in my life when I was really good at ‘speck-ulating.’ I’m so ashamed! But it’s true. I literally wondered, “but what if I don’t have a plank in my eye?”  And therein lies the issue.  We all have planks.

Hello!! Planks vs. Specks is so perfect because no matter how “good” we think we are, or how many “sins we haven’t committed,” or even how genuinely mature we become, the size and weight of what God wants to reveal and address ABOUT ME TO ME vs. what He wants to reveal and address ABOUT YOU TO ME is of the same proportion as Plank vs. Speck.

The point is, we all have PLENTY of our own issues that needs addressing. So, most of us are walking around with a big ol’ plank in our eye. And don’t even know it.  And we want to help others and teach others and lead others.

The Issues of the Heart

The problem with that is that it’s hard to see anything or even function well at all with a plank in my eye.  Jesus said, first remove the plank from your own eye. Take the time to figure out your own *stuff*. He wants to deal with the plank, but do we? We can spend a lifetime keeping ourselves busy debating, escaping, performing, avoiding, doing good deeds, or “serving” Him.  But to partner with Him in delving into the issues of the heart…this takes great courage.  And true humility. It is worth it.

Redemption: Healing and Change for Others

And then He says you will see clearly to remove the speck that is in your brother’s eye. And this is the most wonderful part of it all.  God redeems all of our brokenness.  His healing and changing me will bear fruit of healing and change for many others.  Friends, families, generations.  It spreads.

As He perfects His Love inside of me, I can become a part of someone else’s healing.  And they can become a part of someone else’s healing. And maybe God will redeem the whole earth one heart at a time.